There is this guy that I've been in constant contact with (like duh.. There's always a guy.. What else makes life exciting kan?) and usually there are 3 types of guys that I have encountered.
1. Like I've known them my whole life and we get each other so well that we're comfy enough to talk about and do just about anything to, with or in each other's company.
2. Are jackasses that seem like a nice guy but they are the worse kind there is.
And 3. The type of guy who you think you know but time and time again seem to have successfully surprise you. And these are the qualities that attracts you to them. Because there's always something new, exciting and sometimes just a plain "oh my God are you flipping serious?!" situation/statement. This guy is obviously type 3.
For me, despite having a whole list of what I want and don't want in a guy, either they past the list requirements or not, if they failed to attract and keep my attention towards them for long, then it just wouldn't work... And I can't do shit about it. This guy is everything that I want and what I don't want. Does that makes sense? Cause if it doesn't, don't worry. You're not alone. I'm still trying to justify it myself..
Moving on, despite of who he is, at most times, I feel like I don't even deserve him. The reasons why I am denying myself of him are
1. What if he don't feel the same way? What if all these while it's just a fun and games for him?
2. Look at him. He look amazing. Me standing next to him is like a sack of potato standing next to a tower of exquisite chocolate..
3. Evaluating myself, he essentially deserve someone who is so much better than I am.
With that being said, like I said, there are things that I want to do and say but people in general just aren't ready to hear, see or know about it, you included is because when I am left with my imagination, I could think of so many situations and what happens in between that should just be left to my own device.
But since you are curious;
1. I wish I could be very brave and tell this person how I really feel about him and not be afraid of what ever the response is.
2. I wish I could look into his eyes and tell him that I'll do better, I'll be better. I'll be someone who you won't be ashamed standing next to.
3. And lastly, to be able to kiss his brain out. Just so he'll know that I need him just as much as if not more than he'd be needing me.
Up until now, I am in denial. Because I believe that I don't deserve happiness, that he deserves so much more than me, and that everything is against the flow. Hence here I am. Lying on my stomach writing this sad excuse of a confession.
Once, I had someone saying this to me, "At first I tried denying myself of him due to certain restrictions. But the more I fight it, the more intense the feeling became. Eventually, I decided to go with the flow and well here I am.."
To be honest, I wish it was only that easy.. Well easy for attractive and beautiful people like them, sure.. But for people with the likes of me, I don't have those in my bargaining chips in my pile.
